


Here We Are

by bebster



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: ALOT OF CURSING BUT NOT MCUH ELSE BAD SO WHATEVER, Continuation, M/M, Slow Build, gay?, older yurio, there isnt anything to tag this its standard af, yes - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-09-13 01:51:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9101065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bebster/pseuds/bebster
Summary: This is the story of Yuri's courage in his pursuit of happiness.Years after the Grand Prix competition, Yuri finds himself back as the little boy he once was: alone. With his pride and determination gone, it'll take the help of an old friend for him gain the courage to get back in the ice.





	1. The Messy Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Quick things to consider:  
> -Yurio is now 21-23 in this fic since I forwarded "five" years but I bend this rule tbh. I imagine Bek is pushing thirty, respectively.  
> \- Yurio's name in the fic is spelled Yuri  
> \- Yuuri Katsuki's name has the extra 'u'  
> \- I spell Viktor with a k because it looks right to me  
> \- Jean-Jacques is referred to as JJ. Yurio calls him Jay.  
> \- Yurio curses a lot and it's in first person but its just his way of thinking so idk i toned it down ALOT  
> -THE PROLOGUE IS SHORT BECAUSE ITS THE PROLOGUW AND I DINT KNWO QHAT TO DO WITH IT BECAUSE IT CANT BE PART OF FIRT HCAPTER SO DEAL
> 
> -thanks !

_ Winning wasn’t what I expected. When the scores came in I looked at Viktor, but his arm was already slung around Yuuri, their eyes sparkling as they ignored the cameras and reporters that begun to swarm around them. I took my place on the winner’s podium and desperately scanned the crowd for my coach. I found him talking to some interviewer. We made eye contact for a moment but his face remained unmoved. I returned my gaze to the camera in front of me trying to ignore Pork Cutlet Bowl tearing up beside me. His head was below mine, but with Viktor’s eyes glued on him, he felt taller.  _

_ Nameless faces congratulated me one after the other, smiling, offering me bouquets of praise. I gave pleading faces to those that I knew, but the fact of the matter was that I was alone. Losing seemed a hell of a lot better if it meant Viktor would look at me. Even if for a moment.  _

_ Five years later… _

“Yuri open the damn door!”

I pull my arm out the blanket and raise the volume of my television up a good few notches. 

“Yuri I swear to God! Are you even fucking alive in there?” JJ continued to pound on my door so aggressively I could see the whole thing bending in a bit against his fist.I turn the volume up once more, pretending to be able to hear the commentator on the news.  _ “If Yuuri Katsuki successfully lands all five jumps in the second half of his performance it will be his fourth consecutive win!”  _

I turn the volume up once more.

“Yurio, I hear what you’re watching. Please let me in.” JJ’s pounding on the door turned into a pitiful tap as he listened to the news through the door. As annoying as he may be, he sure as hell was looking out for me while everyone else was  _ there,  _ watching the competition. 

I turned off the TV and go to open the door. It was cold outside, and JJ rushed into my apartment so I could shut the door behind him.  

“What?” I ask, seeing his face turn grim once inside.

“Well,” he began, scratching the back of his head, “your apartment is kinda empty for someone to live in.”

“No it’s not. Not everyone needs all the shit you keep in your apartment.”

“Fair enough kid.” He pauses. “Why did you turn off the television?”

“What? Oh, you sounded pissed that I was watching the competition. What are you doing here anyway?” I flop back down on the couch and slide under my blanket. 

“Yuri, you know why. You get upset watching this stuff. Each time… each year that he wins you get more isolated.”

“I do not.”

“Yuri, you haven't left the apartment for over a week. Come on. Let’s go to the rink and just have fun.”

“No.” I snapped at him.

“Okay okay. Can we please just go for a walk or something. I’m scared you’re forgetting what the sun looks like.” JJ looked at me, his eyes filled with concern. I wanted someone to look at me like that for so long, but now that his heart is here, I just want to go to sleep and give up. 

“Yuuuuuri.” He whispers. “Please.” I look at him, his smile faltering and his eyes weak. 

“Okay.” 

Fuck it was cold. Like really cold. I had a scarf wrapped tightly around my face, but I could still feel the icy needles poke at my skin. The streets were nearly empty due to the insane weather. JJ was subconsciously humming his own fucking theme as we walked. It was the only thing I could hear. His humming and my footsteps. He looked chipper, but my pissed-off glare was enough to keep him from starting to talk to me. 

Finally sick of the boring death walk, JJ took me into a coffee shop. Cliche? Perhaps, but I was fucking cold and nothing would stop me from getting a cup of coffee right now. 

“My treat.” JJ offered without asking me, and headed to the counter to order. Feeling out-of-fucking place and tired from walking in the cold, I sit down at a table and began scrolling on the news on my phone. The first headline I read was: “Yuuri Katsuki Celebrates Fourth Consecutive Win, Thanks Husband Viktor”. I’m happy he won, but the word ‘husband’ hangs over my head. I knew they had gotten married a couple years ago, but I’m not sure it has sunk in yet. I was invited to wedding, one of few, but I couldn’t go. Anything Viktor would have said to me would have seemed like sympathy. 

“Your hair has gotten long Yuri.” I drop my phone on the table, letting it thud as the screen falls flat. Otabek was standing in front of me. He was taller and even more muscular than the last time I had seen him. 

“Oh… uh yeah.” I stuttered, looking at my phone to make sure it wasn’t cracked. It wasn’t.

“You look good Otabek.” JJ was flirting with the barista, so shooting him a glare wouldn’t work right now. 

“Why aren’t you at the competition?” I asked Otabek. He simply stared at me, refusing to speak again. “I heard Yuuri won again. Good for him.” I was looking back at my phone again, locking and unlocking it in hope to get a phone call or something. “Are you going to his party tomorrow? I mean, its in Japan, but I’m sure you can still get a ticket. Or are you here for JJ? He’s at the counter still. You know him, never bashful, always rude as fuck.”

Otabek offered a half-assed chuckle and shook his head. 

“So you’re still pining after Viktor after all.”

“I…” My face burns. “What? No.” 

Otabek pushed the empty chair in front of him to the side, ignoring the loud scraping noise it made and slammed his hand down on the table. 

“For fuck’s sake Yuri!” He stared at me. His eyes looked angry and aggressive. I was afraid of looking away. His body was nearly shaking with emotion as he snarled in my direction. He kept inching closer to me as if he was going to lunge over the table and attack me. 

“Otabek!” JJ said happily, not realizing that the leather-wearing muscle man was planning my murder. Otabek leaned back, shook his head, and began to leave. JJ, holding two cups of coffee looked from me to him. 

“Fuck you Otabek!” I yell. “You don’t know why I left! What the fuck man? I don’t see you for five years and you fucking act like I’m guilty of something!” By now I was standing, my chair knocked over and Otabek’s back turned away from me. “I skated more than anyone else ever has in a single year. I already did it okay? I fucking won the whole thing! I met the other skaters and fuck, yeah, I fell in love, I got my heart broken, and I finally learned that skating meant be alone.” 

He walked out of the store. JJ followed him in a huff and I returned to my phone, stared at picture after picture of Yuuri and Viktor smiling for the camera. 

They looked happy.


	2. The Second Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Yurio wants to try again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for it being so short and choppy... im still trying to catch my bearings on this fic! Thanks thoughgghggough !!!! ILOVE THESE NERDS

I can’t help but to feel that there is nothing good around me. But when I see a daughter tugging on her mother’s sleeve, or a dog slipping on the ice, when I see couple on their first date, or a couple on their fiftieth, when I see the clouds disappear into the bright sun, and when I see kids laughing as they build snowmen, people holding hands, others kissing, and a few even blushing when making eye contact for the first time. When I see all these people I know that happiness is all around me, it just isn’t mine. 

I sit in the coffee shop a lot now. I know I should be a little wary of the place after the incident, but it is the only place where I can sit and see all the happiness spread among those around me. I suppose I should have learned by now there is not enough of the stuff for everyone to have it, but I can admire it from afar, watch the children laugh, and the adults smile. I can see the happiness from the safety behind the glass of the window and the glass of my phone’s screen. I scroll on the news to see the famous Yuuri kissing his husband, Phichit in Thailand in an ice-skating performance, and Emil photographing yet another “conquest” of his. It’s weird to think that all four of them are still skating. I haven’t gone to a rink in five years let alone put on a pair of blades. 

Just as I was about to leave JJ comes bustling in, his face was happy as ever, even though reddened by the winds icy touch. 

“Hey Yuri! I saw you through the window so I thought I’d come in for a sec.”

“That’s nice.”

“Yeah well,” he started, disappointed in my response. “I’m uh having people over tonight if you want to drop by. It’s just a couple people you know and some others. Super chill, not a big deal. Not even big enough to be called a party.. Just a gathering, really. Not skate related I promise.” 

“Shit Jay, I don’t know…” I trail off, trying to think of some believable excuse that won’t upset him. 

“Please man. I think you’ll have fun.” JJ looked at me, his shoulders slumping and his eyes shooting “are you fucking kidding me Yuri it’s weird to just sit in here all the time” daggers right at me. 

“I’ll see if I can stop by.” 

“It’s all I ask.”

I return my gaze to the window beside me thinking it was the end of the conversation. JJ sat down in front of me with the concerned look on his face that I was beginning to become far too familiar with. I brushed my hair back and left it tucked behind my ears.

“Yeah Jay?”

“It’s just that, well, Viktor and Yuuri will be there.”

“Oh so they’re back already?”

“Yeah.”  
“Okay.”  
“Just okay?”  
“Yeah.”

“Okay.” 

I look up at JJ. He may be obnoxious at times, but he's the only person I regularly keep in touch with. 

“I’ll be there JJ.” 

“Okay.” He sighs in relief, a small smile growing on his face. “See ya.”   
  


It should have taken me longer to get ready. I wish I had stood in front of the mirror brushing my hair a hundred times or had changed my jacket so many times that my entire closet was emptied. Instead I took a shower and got dressed in the warmest sweater I owned and stared at myself in the mirror trying to decide once and for all if I was going to this shindig. I mean fuck, I knew I would end up finding myself sitting on JJ’s couch scrolling on my phone for a couple hours just to come home and go to sleep, but I always double checked with myself to give the sense that I had a choice in the matter. 

After wrapping the scarf around my neck a couple times I left my apartment and began walking down the street. It had already grown dark although early. Little bits of snow had begun falling, simply to remind me of the fact it was below zero degrees tonight. I watched the snowflakes flutter downwards, each spindling off into its own direction and delicately landing on the ground. It was a quiet night. Only the soft taps of the snow landing and the occasional car passing by could be heard. Streetlamps lit my path a warm golden glow as I headed towards JJ’s apartment. I assumed it was empty on the streets because everyone was actually at this party. Earlier I knew he was simply coercing me into going by saying it’d be small. No party JJ threw has ever been small. Intimate maybe, but sure as fuck not small. 

Thinking about this fact just pissed me off even more. The snow pounding on the pavement was giving me headache and the glare of the streetlamps was definitely contributing to my overall irritation. I could still turn around. Forget about the fucking night. Go home and pretend I never left in the first place. I could still-- 

 

\--then I heard a familiar sound. A sound I had memorized and engraved in my heart. I knew it better than anyone could know anything. A perfectly landed quad. The way the metal dropped onto the ice with such force but quickly scraping into it signified the perfect landing for a quad. I look over to the sound. A perfectly trained ice skater was skating on the local rink all by himself. The rink had closed an hour or so before, but that didn’t stop the man from twirling and gliding across the ice as if he had fallen in love. Seeing something so fucking honest made my heart throb in a place I didn’t know was still there. I listened to each swoosh and watched each turn. The man was quick, performing jump after jump and never pausing in his twirls. He looked like magic on that ice. He didn’t need any music or a flashy costume. It was just him, as honest as one person could be. With each tall jump I could feel each emotion he was at the time. It was cold and it was sad, but, fuck, it was beautiful. 

 

I stood, simply staring until the conclusion of his dance. The man ended his piece standing tall yet looking beaten. He was out of breath, but he refused to let his exhausted muscles get the best of him. He stretched his arms before flipping his jacket collar up pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. Shit what a jackass. There he was standing in a closed rink,  _ smoking.  _ Well, I couldn’t help but admit I’m intrigued. 

Just as he placed the cigarette between his lips he looked up at me, his dark eyes immediately locking onto mine. I feel my face heat up from his cold expression, but shook it off remembering the circumstance. The man then gave me a thumbs up.

“Otabek? What the fuck? This place is closed right now!” I yelled at him angrily, probably more so than I needed to. He took a long drag.“And for fuck’s sake, those things will ruin your stamina! You can’t skate like that!” He continued to look at me, now skating towards the side of the rink in my direction. “Nevermind. I need to go to JJ’s anyway.” I said, waving him off and continuing on my original path.

“Yuri.” 

I turn around to see Otabek leaning over the rail, reaching out for me to come back. It caught me by surprise and wiped all the anger away. 

“What?” I ask, innocently curious and subconsciously walking towards his stretched arm. 

“Come skate with me.” I nearly flinch so much that he could see me. Up close his eyes looked warmer, inviting even. 

“I haven’t skated in five years.”

“That’s alright.” He replies quickly. 

“No.” I start, not knowing my excuse for not skating at the moment. “I don’t skate anymore.” He nods at that, quickly taking a drag before removing the cigarette and blowing out some smoke.

“Can I ask why not?”

“I just…” I lose it at that. There are a million reasons I don’t skate anymore, none of which I wanted to share Mr. Brown Eyes over here. “Skating is a solo sport and I’m tired of being alone.”

“Yet here we are.”

I sighed, returning his arm to his side of the rail. “Here we are.”

We stood in silence for a minute or so. He occasionally kicked the ice with his skate or took a breathy puff of smoke while standing beside me. He was far taller than I was. His exhaled smoke floated right over my drooped head. I could smell it, but it wasn’t bothering me. Although I didn’t move my head for the entirety of our silence, I found comfort in his slow breathing and gradual exhale of the smoke. Eventually he flicked it off onto the pavement and cleared his throat. 

“You’re headed to JJ’s party?”

“Yeah.”

“Can I come with you?”

“Yeah.”

It was mostly silence between us while walking to the party. He asked about my apartment and I asked why he was here in Canada. He answered by claiming that most of the Grand Prix skaters moved here to live, which is true, fuck knows why. Other than those quick questions we walked in silence. I remained a step or two behind him. Mostly because he walked faster than I, but also this way I could admire his body. I felt damn stupid for staring at the back of his neck and his shoulders, but he was strong, unmoved by everything around him. I respected that. Everything that happened to me translated into yet another scar on my heart, forever damaging my sanity. 

    He turned around, “What?” He asked, his face emotionless but his eyes filled with warmth. That’s why it's so cold, his eyes had trapped all the heat. Otabek turned back around and continued walking. “What are you thinking about?” He clarified. 

    “Nothing.” I shrug, trying to be covert about the truth. “About you, skating… just now.” My improvisation was weak, but I knew he wouldn't question it. 

   “Why don’t you skate anymore?” 

   “You already asked that.”

    “I want the truth this time.” Well that pissed me off. “Was skating the worst thing that happened to you?” He added.

    “If I wrote a list down of everything that has ever happened to me. What everyone would pick as the worst thing would be different than what I would choose.” 

   I see Otabek nod before slowing his pace to walk beside me. 

   “What would you pick?” He asked, still looking forward. 

   “Winning the Grand Prix.”

 

* * *

 

We heard JJ’s party before we saw it. I was already exhausted by the time we got there, so hearing loud pop music and cacophonous laughter wasn’t very comforting. Just as Otabek turned to say something we were interrupted by a loud, excited, ridiculous voice that belonged to an intoxicated JJ.

“Hey kid! Glad you made it! I see you snatched another player for the games.” JJ smiled, hiccuped, chuckled, then shoved his way between us so he could wrap an arm around both me and Otabek. 

“Yeah hey Jay. Looks like you’re having fun.” 

JJ confirms this with a nod and pulls us into his apartment. The cops should be here by now but I guess the neighbors are used to JJ’s antics. 

Far too many people were cramped inside the apartment. Some were playing drinking games, others just sitting and talking. I couldn’t decide on where to go until Otabek pressed his hand on my back and guided me to the calmer side of the room. 

“I’m going to get a drink. Do you want anything?”

“Just water.” 

I watch the leather-jacketed man walk out of sight and into the kitchen. Instantly I try to pull out my phone but am stopped by long arms wrapping tightly around my neck. 

“Yurio!!” 

Sure enough there was Viktor, nuzzling my hair and squeezing me so tightly that the air from my lungs could be heard escaping. 

“Yurio! We missed you so much! How could you disappear on us like that! Five years to not see you skate is downright sin.” 

I feel my eyes sting as I lean into his touch. In the corner of my eye I see something shimmer. I turn to see the infamous golden ring wrapped around Viktor’s slender finger. I sit back up, still feeling his soft touch against lingering on my skin.

“Yuuri! Yuuri look who I found!’ Sure enough, Yuuri Katsuki comes bumbling over, that dorky smile on his face as he took his place beside Viktor. They were standing in front of me, looking down at me and waiting for me to do something. I knew they wanted me to smile and hug them, to say that I missed them so very much, but the truth was that I had moved here to avoid them. I was okay for five years, but now the happy couple in front of me was ripping out each stitch I had on my heart. 

“Excuse me. Yuuri, Viktor, I think JJ is looking for you.” Otabek had returned holding a bottle of beer and a water bottle in one of his hands. Once the two lovebirds left he sat down beside me and offered me the water. I reached over and grabbed his opened beer. I took a swig, grimace at the taste, then take another. 

“Yuri?” He says surprised. “I uh, already drank out of that.”

“I don’t care.” I replied, refusing to look at him as I chug more of the alcohol. It tasted like shit but its warmth was the only thing keeping me from up and leaving right then. I grew mad at JJ for making me come here, but I’m more upset with myself. Not only am I sitting, staring at my old friends, but I failed to talk to them because of my own personal ultimatum, because I couldn’t beat the other Yuuri. How hateful can I be? 

I shut my eyes to try to stop my downhill thinking, but instead a tear drops quickly slides down my face and plops onto my hand. Fuck, I’m weak. Otabek must have noticed because he draped his jacket over me and rested his forearm on my shoulder, which casually shielded me from most people around. 

“Just keep drinking your beer.” He said calmly, not thinking twice about his actions. 

His kindness surprised me. It’s been me sulking and JJ banging on my apartment door so long that the fact that some one else was trying to, (or maybe not trying but definitely was succeeding) in breaking down my wall and learning  what stick has been up my ass for five years. 

As my breathing settled I paid less attention to the lump in my throat and became insanely aware of Otabek’s arm resting on me and could feel the rise and fall of his side that was just ever so slightly touching mine. I don’t think he has been in competitions the past couple years, but he has remained so strong, just like I had left him. I started to feel foolish. I knew Otabek. He was my fucking friend at one time and I haven’t talked to him in five years now. 

My hand clenches tightly around the neck of the now empty beer bottle as I add another item to the list of reasons I’m a jackass. Otabek’s presence beside me was akin to it five years ago, but it now felt much more significant now. Before he was my friend, but as I sat hidden under his jacket holding onto his beer and rested under his arm, I felt so loved. Not loved out of obligation, but out of true emotion. I stood up, pushing his arm off of me.

“I’m…” I start, my voice still weak. “I’m going to step outside. I’ll be right back.” 

“Do you want me to come with you?” He asked, beginning to stand.

“No. I’m fine.” I say, fauxing a smile. 

 

I make my way through the crowd, keeping my head down as I do. Once outside I am instantly met with the icy air’s sharp sting. I don’t know why I wanted some fresh air when the air is so damn cold. With a huff I plopped down onto the step leading into the apartment building. It was much quieter outside. There was a ringing in my ears from all the noise, but as it slowly went away I could find myself listening to the wet snow hit the ground. Comforted by the sound I bundle into Otabek’s jacket. It was leather, but still warm from him wearing it. It smelled like him too. His jacket combined with the pleasant falling of the snow was enough to calm my nerves, that is, until I heard the door opened. Yuuri came walking out, Viktor’s jacket  _ and  _ scarf comfortably bundling him up for the cold. 

“Hey Yurio.”

“Hey.” I replied dryly, kicking at some ice with my boot. 

“You upset Viktor a little bit.”

“Yeah I figured as much,” I sigh. “It’s not him. I’m just not really myself tonight.”

“I told him that Yurio, but you have to remember that you’re one of his only Russian friends, and his protege. You’re very dear to him.”

“What? He was your coach Yuuri. Not mine.”

“He’s my husband.” Yuuri corrects. “...And he always brags about you, even if not seeing you for five years.”

I sighed at that. Pork Cutlet Bowl seemed genuine in his words at the least. I wish it had been Viktor who came out so I could just say, well fuck I don’t know what I would say, but at least I wouldn’t feeling guilty as fuck. 

“I’m going back inside. I’ll see you around.” Yuuri gave me a weak wave before opening the door.

“Oh Yuuri.” I say stopping him for a moment. “Congratulations on winning.”

“Thanks.” He said, a gentle smile appearing on his face.

The door closed behind him. His smile reminded me of every reason I had practiced so much each day all those years ago. I wanted to preserve that smile. I wanted him to skate on forever, not even considering of retiring until his body forced him too. Yuuri wasn’t born a winner but he was born a skater. The ice was a blank canvas for him, something for him to paint and scribble on, make of it whatever he wanted to. I loved him for that. To me the ice was just something to skate on, another thing to master and another step in the equation of success. Yuuri made it into art and I wanted him to keep painting. I had won the Grand Prix not for any other reason than to preserve that smile. 

I heard the door open once more. I don’t have to look to know it was Otabek. 

“Sorry,” he began, taking a seat beside me. “I saw Yuuri come out here so I wanted to make sure everything is fine.”

“Yeah. Just a lot of drama for one day.” I say coldly, resting my arms on my knees.

“Well drama seems to be drawn to you.” He commented.

“What!?” I snapped, and instantly turned to glare at him. My eyes stared into his, demanding an answer. “Like what the fuck? Am I some infamous drama queen or something? Jesus fuck.” 

My outbreak must have surprised him because his face shifts into a light shade of red. His surprise muffles and he begins to laugh. No, he fucking  _ chuckles.  _ It’s a hearty, happy, honest, laugh. He smiles while laughing, cocking his head back in pure delight. His smile was the warmest thing I had ever seen. His laughter thawed my body, and filled my heart. Sure he was kind, but usually he was so quiet and distant. His laughter was a type of honesty I don’t think most people know about. Otabek knew it though. His laughter told me that he knew there was more to being honest that just telling the truth. It’s a type of genuineness that isn’t so easily described. 

“Sorry.”” He apologized, his laughter beginning to taper. “I didn’t mean anything by it.”

“It’s fine.” I say, nearly starstruck. “You should smile more often.” I add, not fucking thinking at all. 

“All right.” He said, looking at me with what I’d like to believe to be a start of a smile. “I’ll try.” 

The falling snowflakes had turned from wet rainy droplets into the slow falling white puffs. They so slowly fell that I couldn’t watch one float to the ground without moving my glance out of boredom. Nothing else moved except for the snow and Otabek’s shoulders rise and fall with his breathing. I felt weird sitting here, but I felt okay. I liked feeling okay. It’d be nice if it’d snow everyday, or I could be here with Otabek all the time, but I knew better. I worked hard to separate myself from these people. Otabek was one of them, but he was the only one that had originally been my friend. I peeked over at him. He had a nice expression as he looked up at the dark night sky and drifting white snow. He and I simply sat in silence, feeling okay.

* * *

 

Feeling okay was the last thing I remembered. Which was probably a good thing because I woke up with a killer headache so I was probably drunk, and probably fucked something up. I was scared to open my eyes due to the light, but instead I only saw bright yellow. A post-it note was stuck to my forehead covering my eyes. I sat up, and truly felt my fucking hangover wash over my body, and pulled the note off and read it. On it was a message from Otabek explaining I got drunk and fell asleep followed by his phone number. I have to admit he’s a fucking gentleman at the very least. I folded and twisted the note between my fingers for a moment before quickly shoving it into my pocket. In doing so, my attention focused to what was around me. I was still in JJ’s apartment, but some reason sitting on the floor.

“Mornin’ kid.” JJ greeted me. He looked bright eyed and bushy tailed and not at all hungover.

“Weren’t you drunk last night? Why are you acting all fucking dandy and shit?”

“Ah come on kid, do you really think alcohol still does that to me?”

“Good point,” I mutter. “Could you have at least made sure I was asleep on the couch or something? It’s a god-damn foot away.” I yelled, ignoring my throbbing head.

JJ nodded as he took a sip of coffee. “Yeah Otabek put you on the couch but you kept rolling off so he had to keep picking you up” He said, a smile growing behind his words.

Well fuck, that’s embarrassing. I don’t see the guy for fucking ever and when I do he ends up being my damn babysitter. JJ must have been able to tell I was upset because he came over and helped me onto the couch.

“It’s fine kid, he looked happy to do it. I mean I can’t even think of anyone else who he would have stayed all night with. And just to make sure you wouldn’t roll of the couch too.”

“All fucking night?” I snap, looking directly at a spooked JJ.

“Yeah. He left only an hour ago because he had to go to work.”

“Oh.” 

Now that’s what I fucking said, ‘Oh’, but what I was thinking was more along the lines of Jesus H. Christ what kind of fucking human being sits with a drunken twenty-one-year old just to make sure he doesn’t fall on the ground? A damn good one that’s what kind. 

I sighed again, but that time in complete disbelief at the situation. I exchanged countless number of thumb ups and fist bumps with Otabek years ago. He was my fucking friend, the best one I had, and I’m pissed that I took it for granted and lost him. I won’t do that again. I want to be his friend again, even if it means being dragged to JJ’s parties or waking up hungover. 

I turn to JJ, who had started dancing and checking himself out in a nearby mirror, and ask him where Otabek worked. JJ, who refused to stop his nearing sexual dance, told me that Otabek worked at the roller rink, which was conveniently located right behind the ice skating rink. I didn’t take Otabek for a roller rink type of guy but I guess I don’t know him all that well. Regardless, I wanted to personally thank him, at least that’s what I told myself.

It was colder than yesterday. The snow had stopped falling for all of it was in tall piles on the ground. While walking I found pleasure out of the crunchy noise the snow made under my boot. It was oddly pleasing and distracted me from the cold. I was about to zip my jacket when I noticed I was wearing Otabek’s jacket still. I smile, my scarf hiding my silly expression. He should have taken it, he had to walk too. 

The rink from last night, where I had met Otabek, was now filled with happy families and young children holding hands and giggling. It looked so different. Instead of the simplistic beauty that perfectly captured Otabek’s groundbreaking performance and the essence of competitive skating, was now just a place of goofy honest happiness. I had never seen skating like that. I wasn’t sure I had ever seen people slipping and falling down on the ice, laughing at their mistakes, or struggling to stand back up. How could they laugh at that? They’re all terrible skaters… but it looks like fun. I shook my head and walked into the roller rink.

Similar scenes were happening in the roller rink but now they kids had neon rubber rings looped around numerous areas of their bodies. There was also an arcade and a restaurant there. The damn place was a perfect cliche teen hangout. It was embarrassing to stand there on the old patterned carpet by myself so I walked up to the only counter in the place, expecting Otabek to behind it. Instead was some random ass dude. I asked him where Otabek was.

“You mean Mr. Altin? He’s in the office back here. You can just go in.” I nodded before awkwardly stepping behind the counter and slowly opening the door to his office. Otabek sat behind a large desk, looking much older than last night with a tie wrapped loosely around his neck. 

“Fuck Otabek I thought you were spraying shoes but you look like you own the damn place.”

“I do.” He chuckled softly, not looking up from the paper he was reading. I never pictured Otabek here, but I guess I haven’t pictured anyone I knew doing anything besides skating. 

“Oh,” I continue. “Well I just wanted to say thanks for last night and return your jacket.”

“Thanks.” He said, laconic as always. “Keep the jacket though, you’ll be cold walking home.”

“So will you.” 

“I have another jacket here.”

“Oh okay.” 

Growing disappointed in the conversation, I began to leave his office but Otabek looked up at me. 

“Return it to me tonight. Come here when we close? You can eat the leftover pizza or something.” He said with his ears growing red.

I smile at him and give him two thumbs up before leaving feeling a little better than okay. 


	3. The Third Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Yuri freaks out and lives his boring life...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think this chapter is boring and i ended it abruptly but im doing it so i can just move on lol

Although I am exhausted and admittedly still hungover by the time I get back to my apartment, I can not for the life of me fall back asleep. And embarrassingly, I know that it was because I am so damn excited to see Otabek again. I feel foolish for being this way, but regardless I am grateful to Otabek because it is probably a good thing I feel that all giddy and flustered. 

Hoisting myself back out of bed I slap my cheeks a couple times and shake the silly emotions out of me. Food still doesn't sound appetizing but I figure drinking coffee, or juice, or something would be good. I laze over to the kitchen and flip the light on before hastily ripping the fridge open. Inside is half a carton of spoiled milk and some moldy cheese slices, neither of which sounding safe to eat. Thinking about food, albeit old and gross, made my stomach growl. I decide to go grocery shopping, something I haven’t done in a long ass time. I shrug on Otabek’s jacket and grab my keys before leaving my apartment yet again. 

By now the streets are filled. There are mothers walking with their young children and men in business suits talking angrily on their phones while checking the time on their ritzy watches. Then of course are all the old retired people just out walking about, probably not even going to do anything, simply enjoy the icy weather and cloudy skies. I glare at one older couple as they stop at a hot chocolate stand, the husband buying and handing his wife a cup before grabbing her hand and leading her down the sidewalk. I must be growing soft because I feel a sharp pain in my heart as my lungs release all my air at the sight of such chivalry.

“They’re sweet huh?” 

I look over to who said that. A guy with thick brown glasses and curly hair to match it is standing beside me watching the couple. What surprised me the most is that he spoke to me in russian. I don't know why he is here but I’m not a fan of the fact that he knows who I am.

“Yeah,” I answer, speaking in russian in case he doesn't speak English. “What do you want?” I don’t beat around the bush; this fucker wants something. Instead of answering, the boy simply giggles. I feel my eyes grow wide as he turns to face me. His wide, hazel eyes are bubbling with fervent want as he smiles and grabs my wrist, ignoring all traffic signs by leading me across the street and straight to the hot chocolate stand.

“Two please.” He said, this time in heavy accented English and using his fingers to clarify the number of drinks. Without listening to the price of his order he tossed his thick credit card to the worker, keeping his focus on me first and foremost. In a short moment he returned his card back into his wallet and grabbed both drinks, handing one to me. It’s obvious he is trying to replicate the old couple from before, but I can’t figure out why.

I take the drink from him, not knowing how to refuse it politely and end our conversation. Besides, I am too suspicious of the Russian man to simply cast him aside. 

“Thanks,” I say dryly after taking a small sip of some damn good hot chocolate. “Uh, who are you?” I hope this will work better than my previous cold question.

“Sorry, Yuri! I'm Peter.”

I nod as if that was an appropriate response to my question. I want to know who the fuck he was and why he just bought me a drink after having just met him. 

“Okay…” I start, planning my next words carefully. He chuckles at my hesitation, his curly locks bouncing with his shoulders. As frustrating as this guy is, he’s also pretty damn smooth. He's tall and lanky but if you just dropped a crown atop his head he'd be fucking Prince Charming.

He begins to chuckle again. His laughter is loud and infectious, though still attractive in his own way. “My apologies Yuri, I’m simply a big fan of yours. I moved here last year for the university. I’m not a stalker I promise” 

I relax at this. He seems genuine in his words. I watch him take a sip of his drink, sighing with contentment as the hot liquid warms him up. He pushed his glasses with his finger and cleared his throat. Looking at him for so long was sure to be a little unsettling for this guy, but he acted casual about it. Instead he continued talking to me, elaborating on his interest in skating, explaining he was never very athletic but could enjoy the poetry behind skating, especially in my performances. His words seem a little exaggerated but I felt flattered nonetheless.

I spoke little during our conversation. He loves to talk and ramble on about unnecessary things all the while being ridiculously excited about every topic. Such unwarranted enthusiasm reminded me of Viktor. Their shared unjaded perspective and unwavering optimism are traits I don’t have but have to respect. I may never know how someone can have such a big goofy smile on their face at all times, but it’s impressive.

“Why did you stop skating?” Peter asks me, pulling me out of my thoughts. I realize that we had walked quite a ways away from where we had started.

I don’t answer him at first. Instead I finish my drink, trying to stall for time to think of some reasonable excuse. He waits patiently for me, understanding my hesitation in replying. 

“I still skate,” I lie. “Just not competitively. It was too much stress.” I don’t look at him and simply pick at the sticker on my empty cup. 

“Well a lot of people miss seeing you skate.”  _ Yeah me too.  _ “You were an inspiration to a lot of Russian kids back home.” A mirthless smile grows on the boy’s sunken face, his glasses sliding to the tip of his nose as he watches his boot. Without my knowledge he has brought us back around in a circle, leaving me where we met only minutes ago. He hands me his business card, telling me to call him if ever lonely, then proceeds to walk away from me.

I feel a little fucked up from that. It's been a couple years since someone has pestered me about skating, although I suppose he was rather polite about it. Nevertheless, the wound I got from leaving the ice will never be completely healed. I cough into my hand before running it through my hair.

Jesus, I can't remember why I left my apartment. 

It wasn’t until I was already (back) at JJ’s apartment that my stomach growled, hinting to me that I had needed groceries. Too tired and far too fucking cold to keep walking outside, I pound a fist on JJ’s door, bouncing up and down to keep warm until it opened. 

I am surprised, although I shouldn't be, to see Chris open the door. His lazy eyes locking onto mine as his hip leans against the doorframe, the familiar look of dangerous curiosity sinking into his face. I never got very close with the guy, always seemed a bit eccentric for my taste, but he’s JJ’s best friend so I can’t cut him out like I did with most everyone else. 

“Hey Brat.” He said, revealing his canines in a snake-like smile. “You look good as ever.”  _ Clearly sarcasm.  _ “You’re definitely older, your hair is past your shoulders. Let me braid it for you.” I sigh. 

“Yeah okay just let me fucking in yeah?” Chris nods, standing up straight to make room for me to squeeze in.

JJ’s apartment looks better already. I assume his lovely wife, (no seriously she’s a godsend amongst all these fucking weird ass guys), helped him clean it after I left. I found JJ in the kitchen, humming his theme as he placed cookie dough onto a baking sheet.

“What’s this?” I ask, deciding not to harass him right now. 

“Yurio! You’re just in time, Christ started showing me inappropriate videos off his phone.”

“That bothers you?”

“No, but I’m baking.”

I shake my head as I sit down on a stool under the counter JJ is working on. He hands me a spoonful of the cookie dough before washing his hands and beginning a new batch. I was too distracted in sucking the dough off the spoon that I failed to realize Chris was hovering behind me, quickly tying the top part of my hair into an elaborate braid. 

“Why are you braiding my hair?”

“Because I want to.”

“And it looks cute,” JJ added, a coy smile on his face. Chris hums in agreement. “You act prickly kid but you're pretty easy to please. I just gave you a hunk of cookie dough and you seem fucking delighted.”

Chris chuckles before adding, “Or are you just giddy for your date with we Otabek tonight?” 

That’s enough for me to whip my head around, ripping my hair out of Chris’s hands. “It’s not a date! I’m just meeting up with him after work. That’s it!” 

Chris only laughs harder. He doesn't respond but instead pushes me back around so he could continue on my hair. 

JJ is quietly measuring out some sugar for a new batch, his face looking the opposite of Chris’s. He looks serious, disappointed even.

“You were quick to shoot Otabek down. What’s wrong with a date?” He asks.

“Nothing.” I snap back. My shoulders slump a little. I avoid eye contact with JJ as he dumps the sugar into the bowl. “It just isn't a date, that’s all.” I backpedal a bit. I’m not sure why JJ’s comment upset me so much, but the fact is that it’s not a date. I just want to be Otabek’s friend again. The reason we became close so many years ago was because he felt we were similar. That’s all anyone wants— for those complex feelings we all have— to be understood. It may have been five years since our friendship’s peak, but looking into Otabek’s warm hazel eyes reminds me that he knows me better than anyone, and that our friendship is important to both of us. The light in his fiery eyes has dimmed and I’m far from the soldier he had once considered me to be.

“...Yuuuuuri?” JJ coos, a sly smile on his face grows as he takes my spoon from me and hands me a new one. I grumble before plopping the dough into my mouth. 

“You were picturing Otabek naked weren’t you?” Chris asks playfully, his velvety voice coming from behind me. My face grows hot and JJ drops his metal spoon down with a loud  _ clang  _ and rests his hands on his hips. 

“Damn it Chris leave the boy alone!” Chris simply chuckles as he pins the braided part of my hair back. 

“Alright, I’m all done bub.” He says it with a gruff pat on my back and stands up to admire his work completely. 

“Looks good Chris,” JJ adds, back to measuring out cookie ingredients. “He looks gorgeous but at the same time—”

“Sexy as hell for Otabek?” Chris finishes.

Again I begin to blush, this time JJ giggles instead of backing me up. 

“Anyway Jay,” I start, my voice a tad strained, “what’s with all the cookies?”

“Ah good question kid. Viktor is hosting some fundraiser and wanted to sell cookies on top of it all. I don't really know, he didn’t say much else, just that he needed a whole bunch of cookies for it.”

I hum in thought. JJ continued talking about it, elaborating on the fundraiser I suppose, but I was too busy looking at Chris make kissy faces to himself on his reflection off his phone. He licked his fingers and played with his hair, trying to style it while JJ rambles mindlessly on. Through it all I see JJ’s phone light up beside me, a few texts from his wife with the messages displayed, all loving and simple domestic things. 

“At the store babe, need anything?”

“Getting milk. 2% ok?”

“BABE THAT ONE ACTOR IS HERE!”

“Nvm. Was mistaken stfu.”

“Text me I’m bored the line is long”

 

Her texts to him are so easy. There aren't big, gushy words, instead they're so succinct and normal. JJ has that level of companionship with her that I never have experienced. I look at my own phone, my only notification for the day is some spam email from a store I’m positive I’ve never bought anything from. I sigh into my chair and glance back up to Chris, whose hands are shamelessly cupping his ass, stretching and bouncing it. JJ is still talking, now with a charismatic chuckle added to it as he shrugs about something. I nod along with his story, but am more focusing at refreshing my notifications over and over, begging for something to appear. 

I continue to do so for a few minutes until becoming discouraged enough to dig the crumpled business card out of my pocket. The boy’s name from earlier was typed at the top, followed by his number and an email address. My eyes lower to the bolder words that the bottom. 

“North Bank Paper Journalist”

A newspaper reporter from Russia. That’s a coincidence...right?

Chris rips the card out of my hand and read it aloud, resting his elbows on the counter in front of me. JJ stops mixing for a moment and looks over at the card.

“Shit, kid… when did you meet this guy?”

“Just a few minutes ago, on Main Street.”

JJ’s face darkens and even Chris remains quiet aside from his nervous tapping on the counter. I know what they’re going to say. That I screwed up, going to be hounded by reporters, and can't hide from the ice anymore, but I sorta trust this Peter guy. 

“Kid, some shit is gonna come your way, but,” JJ pauses. “You’ll be okay.”

I’ll be okay. 

_ Yeah _ , I think,  _ I’ll be okay.  _

A text from Otabek confirming our plans is on my phone. I cover my smile with my hand. 

“Yeah...okay.”

 

JJ and Chris leave me alone after that. Eventually, after three disgusting stories and a couple cookies, I leave and head back to the store like I originally intended. Once at the store I find myself not in the mood to shop. I grab a few essential items and return home.

My apartment is disturbingly quiet. I don’t even turn the lights on and rely solely on the winter sun to filter through my window. A deep blue hue is cast across my entire apartment, leaving me feeling cold yet again. I still have a few hours until I should leave, but every passing second feels long. And with each second I grow more and more anxious. Fuck, I don’t why I’m so shitty at these types of things, I wasn’t always. But now walking down the road to meet up with a friend fills my stomach with a sickly feeling. I know Otabek. I trust the fuck out of him. But watching the time laze by fills me with dread. 

I didn't feel this way when going to JJ’s place. 

I think—I hope—that’s because JJ is the only person I’ve kept consistent interactions with. Otabek is a member of that elite group of people that I loved so much and so seriously that I ended hurting myself over. I think I’m just trying to be safe. 

My mind goes back to Viktor and Yuuri. Those are the two most sincere people I know, not trusting them is ridiculous. But I don't. 

I sigh. These negative thoughts invade my mind far too frequently. I’m doing this to myself. I really doubt the other skaters are just sulking around their apartments, feeling so calm, so discretely, but so drastically upset.

Well, maybe Otabek does.

I look at my eyes in the reflection of my phone and sigh.

_ Maybe Otabek does… _

Fear leaves my body and I decide to sleep before leaving.

 

_ Everything is cold. So damn cold. Near me I see a blackbird flying around in circles. It is low to ground as it flew in predictable loops and twirls. It looked cold, and angry. Something I know I shouldn’t touch… but with each beautiful twist and turn I see it growing closer, warming up the air around us. I try to grab the bird. My pale, weak arm reaches in front of me, only to bring to my attention that I’m submerged in icy water. I try swimming up, but can't see any light above my head. I look back at the bird. It seems angrier than before. Its delicate dancing has turned cold, and grown slower, but was still far from sad. _

_ The blackbird then flies directly up, fast and determined, into the direction of the sole light above it. It flies so high that for a moment I can’t see it. But in a moment the bird came crashing down, beak first. It wasn’t falling, instead it's tiny body was flinging itself down as fast as it could until it crashed into the ground below it. It's body flops up a couple times before flinching on the ground. It looked painful, and lonely. The blackbird squealed as its body slammed itself against the hard ground. Eventually, with one final crack, the blackbird stopped writhing, its wings are bent and splayed, and its head is blatantly torn from the rest of the body. _

_ I try, I try so fucking hard to reach the bird, to run to it. I know it is dead, but, I have to go over there. I just do.  _

_ Under the blackbird’s limp body the ground begins to crack. It’s lying on a thin layer of ice. The ice continues to crack, growing speed until it reaches me. The ice below me breaks and I fall.  _

I wake up fucked up. Falling in your sleep is such a terrible feeling and I just had it times a million. 

Dragging myself up check my phone. I’m supposed to leave in a few minutes.  _ Good,  _ I think,  _ at least now I can distract myself.  _ Sighing, I brush my hand through my hair and stand up, taking my blanket with me, refusing to feel the cold air even for a moment. 

I decide to change clothes so I’m wearing something different than the only outfit Otabek has seen me in these past couple days. He must think I’m pretty damn pathetic, but hell I am. 

I really fucking am.

**Author's Note:**

> i thank uuuu


End file.
